Global coronavirus suspension order

Honey DePress's picture
Honey DePress

In light of the coronavirus pandemic, governments around the world have got together and made an important declaration.

The Coordinated Global Governmental Announcement (CGGA) is being made in response to the rapid spread of the virus. The devastating contagion has caused a variety of national lockdowns, forbidden civil sniffling and coughing in public, banned all hugs, kisses, close quarter flirting and general jollity. The bans have consequently caused considerable misery. People have been forced reluctantly to sprawl on sofas, eat takeaways and drink beer, while watching excessive quantities of Netflix, YouTube and BBC content. To ease the burden, the CGGA has decreed that all problems and related processes are now suspended indefinitely.

The announcement comes at a time of unprecedented government generosity, with the exception of personal protective equipment provision and virus testing kits. Tonnes of money has been promised to businesses and citizens all over the world. Governments in countries such as the UK have also provided additional original online entertainment content as part of their support packages. Funding is only available for people who can negotiate complex strategy based gaming moves to work out how to claim money they are entitled to. Processes have been made especially exciting to titivate and tantalise those people whose cash flow has dried up completely. Claimants are expected to be much encouraged by today’s announcement that processes and problems are now suspended for the foreseeable future.

For many authorities, citizens’ inability to navigate funding application processes was considered a mildly worrying problem. However CGGA’s announcement means that this problem, along with all the other problems in life, goes away. Difficulties such as paying utility bills, buying food, paying for heating and internet service provision, loneliness and the like are now classified as problems. Henceforth they are cancelled.

The CGGA’s new measures are expected to remain in place until the corona virus is totally destroyed. This might take a few years, or a few generations, but there is little certainty as to which. There is also little certainty on possible coronavirus exit strategies, however, as this is an especially severe problem, it has also gone away especially severely.

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